When a parent dies, there are countless decisions to make. Cremation can feel like one of the simpler ones. But then the urn comes home.
And sometimes, weeks, months or even years later, you find yourself looking at it and thinking: Now what?
Maybe keeping your mom or dad's ashes on a shelf doesn't feel quite right. Maybe you aren't ready to scatter them. Perhaps your siblings have different ideas about what should happen. Or maybe you simply want something that feels more personal and meaningful than an urn.
If that's where you are, the first thing to know is this:
You don't have to rush, and you don't have to choose just one thing.
There are more options for cremated ashes than many families realize.
What are my options for my parent's ashes?
Some families are perfectly comfortable keeping ashes in an urn at home. Others eventually feel they want to do something with them.
You might choose to:
- keep the ashes in an urn or another meaningful container
- bury them in a cemetery or family plot
- place the urn in a columbarium
- scatter the ashes somewhere meaningful
- divide them among siblings or other family members
- incorporate a portion into jewellery or another keepsake
- have the ashes transformed into solidified memorial stones
- use some or all of the ashes to create a living memorial, such as a tree
There isn't one correct choice. And these options don't necessarily have to be either/or.
A family might scatter some ashes at a favourite lake, keep a small amount in an urn, give portions to siblings and use another portion to create a memorial tree.
Sometimes realizing that you don't have to make one permanent decision about all of the ashes makes the decision much easier.
What can I legally do with cremated ashes in British Columbia?
British Columbia gives families considerable flexibility after cremation.
Consumer Protection BC explains that cremated remains can be kept in an urn or another container. BC's cremation legislation itself does not restrict where cremated remains may be scattered, although permission from a landowner or local government may be required and other provincial rules or municipal bylaws can apply. If you're considering scattering, it's worth checking the rules for the specific place you have in mind.
BC law also determines who has the legal authority to control the disposition of someone's remains, generally beginning with the personal representative named in the will and then following a statutory order of priority.
If you're uncertain about your particular situation, a licensed BC funeral provider or Consumer Protection BC can help you understand the requirements.
Can ashes be divided between family members?
Yes.
And for some families, this can make the decision considerably easier.
There's no reason every sibling needs to remember a parent in exactly the same way. One child might want to keep some ashes. Another might want to scatter theirs somewhere that was meaningful to Mom. Another might want a living memorial.
At Tribute Trees, families can also have more than one tree created, allowing siblings or other family members to each have a living memorial to the same person.
The important thing to understand is that choosing one memorial doesn't necessarily mean giving up another.
What if I want something more tangible than an urn?
There are some interesting alternatives to traditional urns.
One is Parting Stone, a US company that transforms cremated remains into a collection of smooth, solidified stones. Because the process produces multiple stones, they can be kept together or shared among family members. The company currently advertises its service for human remains starting at US$2,495.
For some families, having something they can hold feels more personal than an urn.
For others, what they want isn't another object at all.
They want something living.
Is it appropriate to plant a tree with cremated ashes?
Yes, but there is an important distinction.
Cremated ashes shouldn't simply be poured around the roots of a tree.
Cremated remains aren't the same as ordinary garden ash. They have a high pH and contain concentrations of salts and minerals that can create a difficult growing environment for a tree.
That challenge is actually part of the reason Tribute Trees exists.
When Simone's uncle died in Europe, her family hired a service that incorporated some of his cremated ashes into a living tree in his honour. Her family found enormous comfort in having something living that kept him close.
At the same time, I had the ashes of several beloved dogs sitting in my basement.
We began wondering: Why wasn't something like this available to families here in British Columbia?
We soon discovered that successfully incorporating cremated remains into a healthy tree isn't as simple as adding ashes to soil.
So we spent months researching, testing, retesting and refining our own cultivation process, learning how to address the high pH, salts and minerals in cremated remains while creating a healthy growing environment for the tree.
The result meant so much to us that we decided to make the option available to other families in British Columbia.
What exactly is a Tribute Tree?
A Tribute Tree is a living memorial cultivated using some or all of a person's cremated remains.
Rather than having Mom's ashes sitting in an urn, imagine looking out the kitchen window and seeing her Japanese maple changing colour in the fall. Or watching her flowering tree come back into bloom each spring.
It's not simply somewhere you go to remember her.
It's a way of keeping her close to the people she loved.
Memorial trees using cremated remains are more established in parts of Europe, but the idea is still relatively new to many North American families.
At Tribute Trees, families can choose between indoor and outdoor trees. We offer 11 beautiful varieties selected for their meaning and their ability to thrive in British Columbia.
Do I have to use all of my parent's ashes?
No.
This is one of the questions we hear most often.
You can dedicate a portion or all of the cremated remains to a Tribute Tree.
For a family that isn't ready to make a final decision about Mom or Dad's ashes, using only a portion can be particularly reassuring.
You might create a Tribute Tree with some of the ashes and keep the remainder at home. Later, you may decide to scatter them, share them among siblings, create another Tribute Tree or simply continue keeping them.
There is no requirement to decide everything at once.
What happens to the ashes if I choose a Tribute Tree?
We know this can be the hardest part.
Handing over your parent's cremated remains to people you don't know requires an enormous amount of trust. We completely understand that.
We work with funeral homes across British Columbia, and in many cases the funeral home can coordinate the ashes directly with us.
If the ashes are already at home, we first determine how much you would like to use.
If you're sending us a portion, we provide a secure Stewardship Kit with everything needed to send the ashes to us, including prepaid return packaging.
Once we receive the ashes, we begin the cultivation process.
The ashes are incorporated carefully, gradually and respectfully into the soil and growing environment of the tree you have selected. Depending on the amount of ashes we receive and the tree, the process generally takes four to twelve weeks.
We update the family along the way.
When the tree is ready to go to its forever home, we coordinate the delivery day and time with you.
Every step is intended to be careful, meaningful and transparent.
What if the tree dies?
This is one of the biggest concerns families raise when they first hear about Tribute Trees.
It's understandable. Once your parent's ashes have become part of a living tree, the thought of losing that tree can be frightening.
That's why every Tribute Tree comes with our One-Year Living Promise.
If there is a problem with the tree during its first year, we will replace it.
What if I move?
A memorial tree doesn't necessarily have to tie you permanently to one house.
Some of our trees can live in containers, on balconies or indoors and can move with you.
Depending on the species, size and how established an outdoor tree has become, it may also be possible to have it professionally dug up and transplanted.
There is another beautifully simple option some families find comforting: taking some of the soil with them.
If moving the entire tree isn't practical, soil from around the tree can be brought to the garden at your next home, providing another way of carrying that connection forward.
Can the planting itself become part of the memorial?
Absolutely.
For some families, planting day is quiet and private.
Others want to make it a ceremony.
In the Lower Mainland, Tribute Trees offers White Glove Delivery & Planting. We can prepare the planting site and plant the tree for the family.
We can also coordinate a celebrant to create a personalized planting ceremony based on the family's wishes.
One ritual we particularly love involves family members writing messages to the person they're remembering on special dissolvable paper. The messages are placed in water, the paper dissolves, and the water is poured around the newly planted tree.
It's a simple way for children, grandchildren, siblings and friends to participate.
And unlike a memorial service that happens once, the tree is still there the next morning. And the spring after that. And the spring after that.
Does a Tribute Tree come with anything to commemorate who it honours?
Yes.
Every Tribute Tree comes with an official keepsake certificate naming the person being honoured, their dates and the species of tree.
We think that matters.
The tree is alive. It will grow and change enormously over its lifetime. The certificate preserves the story of whose tree this is and why it was planted.
How much does a Tribute Tree cost?
A Tribute Tree is $1,500.
That price isn't simply for a nursery tree.
It includes the stewardship of the cremated remains, coordinating or collecting the ashes, the cultivation process, the tree itself, updates to the family along the way, the official keepsake certificate, the one year guarantee and coordination through to delivery.
Lower Mainland delivery is $150.
Families who would like help preparing the planting site and planting the tree can choose our White Glove Delivery & Planting service for an additional $150, bringing total delivery and planting to $300.
For families who would like to mark planting day with a ceremony, we can also help coordinate a celebrant.
What do families tell us about living with their Tribute Tree?
Families tell us that the process itself can be beautiful and healing.
They talk about the comfort they get from watching their tree grow and change in the garden and, most importantly, from feeling that the person they love is still close.
A flowering tree changes with the seasons. It grows larger. It provides shade. Birds land in its branches. Grandchildren may someday play underneath it.
That's a very different relationship with someone's cremated remains than having an urn sitting on a shelf or stored away.
For some families, that's precisely what they were looking for: not simply somewhere to visit, but a presence to live alongside.
What if I'm simply not ready?
Then don't rush.
Grief doesn't run on a schedule, and neither does deciding what to do with your parent's ashes.
But there can also be a difference between taking your time and leaving something unresolved when that unresolved feeling is itself causing discomfort.
If having the urn at home no longer feels right, you don't have to solve everything at once.
You might dedicate a small portion of the ashes to something meaningful now and hold onto the rest.
You can scatter some later.
You can share some with siblings.
You can create another memorial.
Or you can simply wait.
There is no rush, and there is no one right way.
A Tribute Tree is simply another possibility: a way to dedicate some or all of your parent's ashes to a living memorial that grows and changes alongside your family.
For some people, that's what finally makes things feel a little more complete.
And perhaps that's the most important thing to know when you're sitting at home looking at an urn and wondering what comes next:
You don't have to choose between letting go and keeping them close.
Considering a living memorial? Learn more about how Tribute Trees works, explore our trees, or reach out to Ann and Simone if you'd simply like to talk through whether a Tribute Tree might be right for your family.